This baby in her belly was a weight she had not planned. Her religion was the reason she had never said, "No." And her religion was why she had to say, "Yes" - to life.
I was knitted in my mother's womb. Psalm 139 (NIV) reminds me of exactly what was going to happen even before my mother cried into the kitchen sink.
You have searched me, LORD, and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand-- when I awake, I am still with you.
If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Tonite, I struggled with sleep. I got up and turned my office light on. I sat down and looked at an empty page. As the cursor blinked, I said a silent prayer. It was, "Oh God, that there is one woman out there who has cried into a kitchen sink. A woman who has turned her back on those who would hug her and hold her tight and help her to say "Yes" to life. If God, there is one woman out there who hears this message, then I know this call to blog tonite was not in vain."
And so, though I was a surprise to my mother - I was never a surprise to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I continue to understand and to be restored. I press forward on to the calling my Lord has placed on the life He has given me. I no longer need to dread doing my own dishes at my kitchen sink because of knowing I caused tears in the very same place. This knowing has no hold on me any longer. I am set free. I am alive and I have work to do.